Haha. I remember my first “crush” like it was yesterday. His name was Aaron. It was that cliche where we were best friends the second we met in Kindergarten. We did everything together. Or what seemed like everything at the time. I remember our first “date.” We went to eat at a Mexican restaurant and we shared chicken fingers xD I remember going over to your house to play since you lived like two streets down. I remember your epic birthday parties that had themes like Harry Potter. You never left my side at your parties. I remember we sat on your swinging bench. haha. I remember when my bracelet got taken away by the teacher cause we were playing with it, and you felt bad for me. Ahh. Weird how I still remember these little details. My parents brought your name up the other day. I wonder how you’re doing! I wonder if you still remember me. That little Chinese girl that always came over to your house. I wonder if you still live here in Vegas. I never saw you again after I moved. It’s so weird and strange to think that I could’ve passed you on the street, and we probably had no clue it was each other. But yep. I wanted to jot this down so when I’m older and look back at this, if I’ll be able to remember.
I’m exhausted and stressed. I’m so damn tired of this mask that I have to pull. I hate having to act happy when I’m not even close to it. They all tell me I’m strong, when in reality, I just want to collapse. I want to cry. I want to cry until I can’t cry anymore. I want to be one of those emotional annoying wrecks. I want to be one of those lame girls who’s depressed about everything. Who tweets every depressing shit. Who reblogs nothing but depressing posts. Who cries at every little thing. Why would I want to be these things? Cause I’m too damn tired.. But I can’t be these things. I can’t show weakness. I won’t* show weakness. That’s just me. This mask? This mask has became who I am involuntarily, in a way. I won’t allow myself to act sad or depressed around others. It’s like an auto correct that I tune to being hyper, jumpy, happy, whatever people think I normally am, if I even TRY to be bummy. Who ever thought that it’s this hard to pretend? To pretend happiness.. It just drains your soul. Your heart’s heavy, and your mind is clouded. I’m trapped in this mind. I’m split and torn between different routes to take. I’ve chosen this route that lead me into this mask. It was a good idea at the time.. Still is for the most part, but for the hundredth time.. I’m tired. I just have to find a way out.
Pretty awesome day today :)
School was an easy day. Zoology, we dissected an earthworm. Student aide, I got to go around classes to take photos. Precal, we finished early and I went to second lunch. Psychology, we just did the same ol’. After school, Lauren was nice to take me to In N Out so I could get food for zero hour. I stayed a little longer for zero hour this time >.< I had to take photos of the soccer game for Ashleigh. Anyways, Sunshine picked me up and we went to Yukaaay’s :D Paulo, Keremy, Lauren, Jose, Gian, Lyn, Andre, Kevin, Matt, and Michelle were all there. We watched Insidious. I felt bad cause I was holding on to Keremy for dear life xD haha, there was a part during the movie, where I went outside with Sunshine so I could get my stuff from her car. When we got back in, Lauren scared the crap out of her. Omg. She fell on the floor screaming. haha. So yeah, we had our movie night thing. We played a little bit of Wii after the movie. I beat Paulo and Gian at baseball. Paulo owned us at bowling. Then Matt and Gian won at tennis. We left around 10 to drop off Andre first, Paulo, and then Keremy. Gian and I didn’t want to go home yet cause we would be home alone, so we decided to go somewhere to eat. What else was open at 10:30 other than McDonald’s? haha. We ate there for a good while and then he dropped me off. I think I’ll be a little scared tonight of the movie, but it wasn’t so bad. On the bright side, Keremy said he’ll reserve the shotgun seat for me when he starts driving his Volvo cause I’m his little sister, and I’m cool.
This is my big brother, Jeremy Daniel De Guzman Giron, also known as Keremy, and JDDGG xD I have lots to say about this amazing guy. Let’s start off with how we met. It was day 272/365. haha. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings after school, and he sat across from me. It wasn’t really awkward. I made fun of him for not noticing that there was ranch in front of him for his spicy wings. Moving on, we didn’t really hang again until the RTC prep at Aliante park. I sprained my ankle that day and he was one of the guys that helped me be my crutch :) From then on, we kind of got closer with each day. Hmm, what can I say about my big brother? He’s the best. Like he doesn’t know already. haha. I always tell him what a great person he is on the daily. Keremy is someone I count on with no doubt. I trust him with everything, including my heart and soul. I’m so thankful for meeting him this year. I regret not getting to know him sooner. He’s such a wonderful friend, I swear. He’s seen me at my highest point, and he’s been there at my worst. Keremy’s not only trustworthy, he’s also faithful. Keremy’s that type of person who will try to include you for everything, and not let you feel left out. He’s the type that will check up on you if you’re having a bad day. He’s the type to say, “want me to beat up someone for you?” :P Cliche, but still nice to hear. He occasionally spoils me with buying drinks, food, etc. He’s bought me a turtle pillow pet that I absolutely love since he knows I love turtles <3 He knows how to treat people right. He’s smart, he’s a gentleman, he’s strong, he’s a great conversationalist, he’s a good chef, he’s just an amazing person I know. He knows how to put a smile on my face. He’s observant and knows when a person’s down. He understands me and my background. He’s just.. perfect. I love everything about this guy. I love our talks we have before we sleep at night. haha. I love the dumb retard jokes we have. I love how he knows the old Yellowcard xD I love how he’s trying to get me Hershey Kisses when I told him I’M ALLERGIC. haha. I love his warm hugs. I love his “mmMMMMmm.” I love his drawings. I love his sense of knowledge. I love how he’s protective. I love how he’s gone through so much in the past, but still manages to keep a smile on his face and stays strong. That alone, inspires me and gives me hope. I love how I could go on for hours just raving about him, but I won’t bore you. All I have to say is that I’m happy that I’ve met him. Gah, I’m going to be crying the day of his graduation. I’m going to miss him so much! But I know he’ll be successful in life and what is thrown at him. I’m excited for him. You better not leave me though. I really do need you in my life. I’ve never met someone so perfect like you are.
- Kristy.
- “I really like her. She might be.. nah, jk.”
- “She might be … ?”
- “She’s sweet. But I’ll prolly end it after sadies.”
- “Why?”
- “Because, I’m a dbag. And she deserves better. Thats just who I am though. I’m not gunna change myself for a girl, that’s like.. Immoral”
If you know she deserves better, then why don’t you be that person who she deserves? You tell me this story that you like her a lot and all.. but she’s not worth it to change? I ask you if she’s worth the change, you said you’re not sure. Then why are you even with her if you know you’re ending it after sadie’s? To fill that empty void you have? Time is so precious, yet that’s how you spend it. I asked why.. You said, “Because its high school. Thats what you do lol.” Is that so? Because everyone else is doing it, you can just play with hearts like that? I never fully understood this. If you know a person deserves better, then why not BE that person they should have? If you can’t put up to the job, then don’t waste time, and don’t play with emotions. Not only will you be hurting them, you’ll be hurting yourself in the end.
I need to take hold of my emotions more. Instead of listening to my heart, I should listen to my mind right now. I notice that when I listen to my heart, all I get is disappointment and getting hurt. When I listen to my mind, .. I’d still get hurt.. But at least I get logic out of it, if that makes sense. Lately, I’ve been coming up with excuses in order to strike up a conversation or to even see you.. I’m doing good so far, but hurting each day when I disobey my heart. We haven’t talked in, how long? You were left in past for a reason. My heart wants you back in my life, but my mind knows that I’ll just get hurt in the end.
What to do when you’re torn between the two? To listen to your heart? Or to listen to your mind?
